Certification of Death

This blog is dead. But I am working on starting a new one from scratch, with an actual purpose...please stay tuned.

Conspiracies, Scandals and Rhetoric can only mean one thing...

...It's Election Day! And naturally, I've got a few things to say.

First off, I can't believe that no one else seems even slightly suspicious of Sony's motives to release Playstation 3 on Election Day. Here you have a big company (rich = Republican about 90% of the time) releasing a new system that is bound to keep several young voters too busy to get to the polls (young voters = Democrat about 60-70% of the time). Now I'm not a big conspiracy kind of guy, but this isn't raising eyebrows?

Earlier I said that this marriage ban in Wisconsin would not allow me to be there when my kid is born. After further research, the ban would simply allow hospitals to turn me away. But, while reviewing this very confusing proposal I came to another realization: this has got to be one of the dumbest bills ever proposed.
Essentially, the bill will change nothing immediately, no matter which way it is voted. All it does is prevent future generations from allowing gay marraige. As of now, Wisconsin doesn't allow gay marriage. But because younger generations are more open-minded and liberal, the future most likely holds legalized gay marriage. Basically, as the older, more conservative voters are dying, and younger, more liberal voters are hitting their 18th birthday, the movement for gay marriage is becoming stronger and stronger. So what do the current politicians do? They propose a bill that won't allow us (the younger generations) to change it, or at least make it very difficult. Not only is this stubborn and underhanded, it goes against the freedom that this country was founded on. Imagine if early 1800 politicians passed a bill that definied "all colored persons as property, and not humans with rights." That's essentially what this bill is doing. If this bill passes, which it probably won't anyway, I hope the courts understand how ridiculous and unconstitutional it is.

Hopefully at the end of the day Doyle will still be governor, marriage will be defined as is, and the good guys will take back congress.

But regardless of what happens, we can all take solace in one fact: there will be no more political ads for at least a year or so.

Pissed off...REALLY pissed off.

At first, this reality TV thing was just an annoyance, but now it has gone beyond that. I just got done watching my first episode of "Parental Control" and I am about ready to hit someone. (Actually, I already threw my chair accross the room, forcing me to invest in some super glue to repair my Dwyane Wade and Travis Diener bobbleheads.

It's not so much the super-slutiness of the girls, or the super-doucheness of the guys...It's the fact that people are willing to act retarded (and I don't mean this as an insult to the mentally impaired people of the world, who are undoubtedly more intelligent than the fuckheads who appear on MTV) for TV that makes me sick.

Have we really devolved to the point that the red light of a live camera can make us do whatever the hell people want us to do? Anything to get on TV.

Fuck, I'm pissed. I am really fucking pissed. This show (Parental Control) is the epitome of everything that is wrong with our society.
You have your smart women who want to convince the world that women are as smart as men, but they are overshadowed by the dumb bitches and whores that appear in this show, who can't decide what color eyeshadow to get without their boyfriends' input.
You have smart, reasonable guys, who are overshadowed by these frat-head, sexist cunts who don't even let their minds contemplate anything other than pussy.
Honestly, just give me a two-day killing spree and I can make this world damn near a perfect place...

Why you should vote 'No' in Milwaukee...you know, if you can.

Okay, really this goes out to anyone in Milwaukee. (On a side note, I am going to do my best to revive this blog, even if it means no one reading it for six months.)

On November 7th, there will be an election for governer, options being Jim Doyle or Mark Green. Now, well I fully, and emphatically support a vote for Jim Doyle I am, personally, more concerned with the referendum for gay marriage, because it affects me directly.
I am not gay, but this proposed law affects me nonetheless. For those who don't know already, I am going to be having a kid in June. Problem is, because of the fineprint, if this law were passed (Voted 'Yes') I would not be allowed in the delivery room because I am not married to Lisa. Yeah, that's right, this law will prevent fathers from being in the room when their children are born.

So vote NO if you know what's good for you. (Meaning if you vote 'Yes' I will punch you in the teeth and kick you in the shin).

Random thoughts from a Tuesday night...

I don't know if I can ever handle being old...too many people talk down to old people like they're little kids. As soon as I develop a slight hunch, or start talking a little slower than usual, I'm getting a cane. And when some punk kid talks to me like I'm a four-year-old, WHACK! right in the knee cap!

An indicator that I am getting old, and therefore lame: On more than one occassion I have found myself buying a newspaper and reading the business section before the sports section. What the hell is wrong with me?

The way I see it: Religious beliefs = anything we cannot explain, even though everything has a perfectly natural explanation.

The reason that any movie about 9/11 (like "World Trade Center," for example) is too early at this point. In order to be morally allowable (oppossed to Hollywood just trying to financially capitalize on a tragedy), a movie with that type of subject needs to either teach a younger generation, or remind an older generation. After five years, no one has forgotten 9/11, and in order to teach people who don't remember the event, it needs to be given at least a decade.

I've got nothing else for now...

Sad choices make great memories

Pictures first:
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I burned my leg somehow. I assume that I placed it on the grate over the fire.

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John breaks chair, which is later burned, and possibly squishes walking stick.

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Fire and beer: The essential tools for any camping trip.

This May, like every other May for the past six or seven years, I promised myself that I would have a summer filled with memories, good times and friends, both new and old. This August, like every other August for the past six or seven years, I faced the end of the summer with far fewer memories than I had hoped to create, and that can only mean one thing: a last-ditch effort to make Summer 2006 a memorable one. I was going to need to compensate for an entire summer with one weekend, and that called for the greatest camping trip of all time.

The crew: Myself, Jenny, Kyle, Mikey P, John, Randy, Abby and Courtney (otherwise known as C-Bone).

The destination: Mirror lake in Wisconsin Dells, WI, followed by Noah's Ark.

The goal: Sad choices all around.

The log: A 59-cent black notebook from Wal-Mart, which would become the most valuable piece of camping equipment. It started as a documentation of the first person to vomit, but by the end of the weekend, a collective effort by all parties--both in creating log-worthy moments, and logging them in unique, artistic, clever and drunken writing styles--brought us a literary masterpiece that belongs on the shelves right next to a three-day-old, half-eaten sandwich. The transcription is as follows...(My advanced apologies for all inside jokes and other unsensable entries).



August 11th, 2006 (Friday)

3:00 p.m. - First car arrives.

7:10 p.m. - Randy pukes after sake (designates puking tree).

9:30 p.m. - Park Ranger tells us to turn down our music. She was very nice, but I don't think it's our last run-in with the rangers.
-She catches Courtney & Jenny on way back from bathroom
*wishes Courtney Happy Birthday.

9:57 p.m. - John hangs out w/ puking tree, thinks about puking.

9:58 p.m. - Mike glances at the sky, waiting for the meteor shower he is more excited about after 5 Old Styles than he was sober.

10:05 p.m. - John lays down, then gets second wind w/ "Hit the Road Jack."

11:00 p.m. - Randy and Abby return from ravenous sexy party...conspicuously wearing MORE clothes than they originally retired with.

11:05 p.m. - Kyle, Nathan and John form ridiculously cute boy band with stellar rendition of "Crazy" in various octives of falsetto. And feathery butts. Pelly exists just for looks.

11:24 p.m. - (Someone) actually says, "I don't know about you, but I am going to molest small children."

11:50 p.m. - Nathan brags about his penis. Everyone else is envious.

11:55 p.m. - Everyone teases Abby about having sex through 5 layers of clothing on John and Courtney's sleeping bags. Yea for the cripple pillow!!!!

August 12th, 2006 (Saturday)

1:00 a.m. - Mysterious noises heard. Either wild animals or raping, pillaging, murdering fiends...inclined to believe the latter.

7:25 a.m. - Randy and Nate stick hot dog/penis in Kyle's ear. Kyle is not amused. ("That's the coldest hot dog I've ever had in my ear.")

7:30 a.m. - The phrase, "Next time it's real penises" is born.

7:40 a.m. - Bottle of Cherry Schnapps is finished after being passed around the circle.

7:45 a.m. - Discovered that the mysterious gummy substance on the fire pit is the bottom of Nate's sandle, which he burned off last night.

9:04 a.m. - Kyle wakes his sorry ass up.

10:16 a.m. - Wal-Mart run results in sighting of drug-sniffing dogs searching a car in the camp parking lot.

12:15 p.m. - First off, everyone is drunk. Also, Nate threw a beer can over his shoulder and it landed upright. AWESOME!

12: 45 p.m. - Nate pukes in the woods.

12:51 p.m. - Nate punts beer, shoe stuck in tree.

1:00 p.m. - Mike climbs tree - reaches pinnacle of the tree and everyone's dreams.

1:04 p.m. - Everyone gets naked, but proceeds to put on swimming trunks, UNFORTUNATELY.

1:08 p.m. - "That's a lot of money for that small of a grasshopper!" Associated chewing accompanies oldies classic, "For the Longest Time" to create live digestion of $7.59 grasshopper. It hasn't been there for the longest time.

1:11 p.m. - Grasshopper wants to get closer to Jenny, therefore Nate does it a favor and molests her.

1:13 p.m. - John "Tyra" Ullman parades fashion catwalk with C-Bone's ill-fitting brazierre.

1:14 p.m. - The grasshopper has not returned from Nate's stomach.

1:20 p.m. - Memorium to the Great Late Johnny Cash. Documentary about the last year of his life is initiated without a camera or screenplay.

1:21 p.m. - We define our generation AGAIN: Nirvana, Jurassic Park and The Usual Suspects.

1:24 p.m. - Clyde Reynolds makes his first experience and harasses the hos.

1:27 p.m. - Nate's all, "We're changing into swimming suits?" after EVERYONE has changed already. Kyle wears pink spandex cause it's SEXY!

1:31 p.m. Nate tackles Jen in a thorny bush - no football or mal intent included. "What was I even trying to get in there for?" - Nathan.

1:36 p.m. - We've been leaving for canoeing for 3 hours!

1:40 p.m. - Kyle drops the pressure. Jenny doesn't.

1:42 p.m. - TEAMS are ESTABLISHED.
Charters are drafted, crews are recruited, and anchors are blacksmithed.

+TEAM FLACID - Jenny, Kyle
+TEAM FLAMBOYANT - C-Bone, Big Gay John
+TEAM F-ARYAN - Hitler and Udet (Nathan and Randy)
+TEAM FORMIDABLE - Pelly and Abby

1:51 p.m. - Hot chip threatens to cut off our heads and bury us under the ground, but we are resiliant.

2:05 p.m. - Finally leave for lake.

2:20 p.m. - Pelly immediately begins puking upon arrival @ lake. Volume is impressive, timing is essential.

2:25 p.m. - Stoner wearing tye-dye thinks 2 of us are 2x as impressive as we are. ("I thought there were 10 of you." - Stoner.) Courtney thinks there are only 7, and reutrns a paddle.

2:37 p.m. - Maggie says, "You're the coolest group." Jenny concedes..."We've been drinking since 9." Maggie is turned on by Kyle's spandex. Says she has a similar pair herself.

3:00 p.m. - We land @ dry land. Jenny drops the chips. ("That bitch!" says Randy.)

3:05 p.m. - Lunch, then dinner is the plan for the evening. Sigur Ros karaoke @ the amphitheatre during.

3:10 p.m. - Kyle climbed big cliff in pink spandex. John dropped log and BEER on ground. Bad John!

3:15 p.m. - We all reaffirm our desire to see C-Bones lack of a bone. (Why not?)
We LAUNCH, leave little frog behind - though it too might have commanded $7.59 for consumption, digestion and expulsion. Nathan lets two little frogs live in his shirt. Disco Fry 1 and Discovery 174 collision complicates launch.

3:25 p.m. - Aryans kick the fuck out of everyone else in the canoe races.

3:30 p.m. (ish) - Jenny and Kyle break the fuck out of the slide.

4:20 p.m. - Jenny: "No there's no log in the tent!" followed by "Fuck you!"

Round about 4 or 5ish fatigue sets in and after hamburgers, everyone sort of drifts away to the tents and take naps.

Sometime round about 6:30ish Randy and Jenny leave for Wal-Mart. Mission: Cigaretts, sour candy spray (15 calories) and possibly other things.
(Actually, they went to the casino, because they have a problem.)

9:30 p.m. (and every 10 minutes) - Pelly throws up. Again.

10:00 p.m. - Karaoke begins, and it can go nowhere but up from here.

10:30 p.m. - We invite campsite #34 (?) to our Karaoke party. Invitation still pending.
-Also, Nate's a god damn idiot, but everyone's still envious of his penis.

10:45 p.m. - Walking stick finds its way onto Nate's beer, and also into our hearts.

10:50 p.m. - Walking stick climbs onto John's leg. ("I love the shit out that bug!")

10:56 p.m. - John breaks chair, promptly falls on his ass and creats Kodak moment.

10:58 p.m. - Mike is doing guess what again.

August 13th, 2006 (Sunday)

12:25 a.m. - Camp rangers (fake, wannabe cops, two of them) come by our campsite twice in 30 seconds and threatened to evict us from the site for talking.

Whatever-o-clock - Park rangers come by AGAIN because Nate and John's "inside voices" are not good enough for their outside.

7:40 a.m. - We recall a conversation from last night that led to Courtney having two penises (penii?) for her crazy two-way threesomes.

8:00 a.m. - Nathanial and Randall wipe peanut butter on sleepy Kyle's face.

8:20 a.m. - Jenny reads log.

8:21 a.m. - Mike keeps his coleslaw down!

8:25 a.m. - Nate almost burns off C-Bone's legs.

8:30 a.m. - "Go look in the cooter for the sausage." (Ah, sexual innuendos).

8:35 a.m. - Class B fire starts...we have no adequate extinguisher.

8:36 a.m. - Waking Kyle up w/ bacon fails...he burrows deeper in. The "Wakin' Bacon" proves unsuccessful.

8:45 a.m. - John spills orange juice on the log in quest to confirm time of rangers' appearance last time. Oops! :)

9:10 a.m. - First playing of "Mountain Trip to Japan."

9:15 a.m. - Randy takes ulcer medication with 4 oz. of vodka and orange juice.

9:20-9:40 a.m. - Egg toss @ the Devil worship site. Team Flamboyant won 2 + Team Faryan won 2. Team Formidable did manage to break the egg but not the yolk.

9:50 a.m. - Karaoke starts again. C-Bone takes us off w/ "Mountain Trip to Japan."

9:52 a.m. - Mikey P: "Just an ounce or 2 of vodka please."

9:54 a.m. - Canoeing trip summed up w/ words, "Grinding Gears + Vomit."

9:55 a.m. - Randy goes to pee on road and says, "Don't worry, I'm looking both ways." Abby informs him, "Don't worry, it's a one-way street."

11:12 a.m. - Kyle wakes his sorry ass up and takes a long pull from the after-sex drink (O.J., vodka, whiskey).

11:31 a.m. - Randy shotguns beer and begins drooling. Pre-frontal cortical damage assumed, but upon resuming higher executive functions it is ruled out.

11:44 a.m. - Kyle wishes to vacation in the 5-day cooter. For 5 days. As do we all!

11:46 a.m. - Nathan's huge machete is either compensating for something or indicatave of his natural ability to handle large tools. We're not sure...yet.

11:58 a.m. - Camp is disassembled with simultaneous grace and sluggishness. Goodbyes are given, spray painting effigies are proposed and denied, whiskey is finished...

12:08 p.m. (next to a small burn mark on the paper) - This hole was accidentally almost burned by an unnamed, uncooperative cigarette ash. Thank the essential protectorate force for the mere moderate forest fire risk. Whew!

12:14 p.m. - C-Bone, Nate, Randy and Jen shotgun beers. Randy argues about the size of people's holes, insists his is bigger.

12:32 p.m. - Things are lit on fire - at random to the common passerby - but strategic to those informed. Ariticles of incendiary sacrifice include a cake, tent parts, disabled chairs, and anything flammable.

12:37 p.m. - Jenny says "oye" in tone slightly relieved but more exasperated.

12:39 p.m. - Randy finds sparklers in car. Fun ensues.

12:48 p.m. - Nate takes his final piss in the woods - excreting alcoholic byproducts and all expectations of what camping was our could have been. The process is nostalgic, yet comforting - especially to Nate's bladder. His urethra exists for a moment as a portal of all of us - directing the remnants of the weekend into their eternal resting place among the leaves and dirt of campsite #38.

12:50 p.m. - Balance garbage on roof/trunk/out window and carefully drive to the beautiful sounds of Muse.

1:00 p.m. - Arrive at Noah's Ark.

After 1-ish - Finish lunch and alcohol - commence Noah's Ark.

Kyle creeps out Deanna by telling her there are body shots in the parking lot.

"Get logging cuntface!" - John.

4:30 p.m. - Return to parking lot for second lunch and tequilla, possible body shots.
- Courtney puts mayonaisse on her breasts.
- Nathan and Kyle have acquired new towels.

7:10 p.m. - Abby wins cock money for gash on her toe. Barely bleeding more than Nate's barely bleeding toe.

7:14 p.m. - Noah's Ark lands and everyone deboards.

7:16 p.m. - Everyone stands up slowly with palms rested on outstretching thighs and sighs, "Well, I suppose..."


Jenny Adam has more.

Do we even know what "racism" means?

I believe that every generation brings its goods and bads. That is, any given generation realizes the mistakes of their parents (the previous generation) and does a pretty good job of correcting those mistakes. Thus over the next decade or so, you will see a reduction in racism, an increase in concern for the homeless/poverish...all those things that the generation before us seemed to ignore.

Yet, with every generation comes a new set of problems for the next generation to solve. And I think our generation's problems stem from our self-righteousness. If you are between the age of 18 and 30, you have probably thought at some time, "God, I am such a better person than my parents' generation." That is our downfall: our love for ourselves.


Sort of on that topic, sort of straying...we have done a shitty job at defining racism. As a generation, one of our favorite insults to older generations is racism. But really, we cannot define what racism is.

See: Seinfield. When George needs to prove that he is not racist, he does what? (I am sad for those of you who cannot answer this question immediately). He goes to every black aquantiance he has ever had and tries to portay them as his friends.
Why is it that white people must have black friends and vice versa in order for them to avoid being called racist? If you think about it most white people that have black friends have black friends who "act white." Similarily, black people who have white friends have white friends that "act black."

Here's the thing about all that: Regardless of gender, race or sexual orientation, people are inclined to befriend people like them. So when a group of white kids has a black friend or two, those black friends are accussed of "acting white," and vice versa. People like people who are like them, no matter the skin color. So when black people act black and white people act white (and throw in all other nationalities here) they are obviously going to get along with people who act the same.

In order to eliminate racism, we have to first define it. Currently, we are largely judged by the number of differently-colored associates we have. But it is a natural instinct to enjoy the company of people like yourself.

In my mind, if you can befriend anyone who shares your interests without even thinking about their skin color, you are not by any means racist.

On the other hand, I have seen too many people of our generation preach non-racism, and quickly lock their car doors when a black person walks by.

People are programmed to seek people like themselves. So what does "racism" acutally entail? Do you have have a quota of different-colored friends?

I guess I'm just sick of being called racist because I don't like rap music.