Sad choices make great memories

Pictures first:
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I burned my leg somehow. I assume that I placed it on the grate over the fire.

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John breaks chair, which is later burned, and possibly squishes walking stick.

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Fire and beer: The essential tools for any camping trip.

This May, like every other May for the past six or seven years, I promised myself that I would have a summer filled with memories, good times and friends, both new and old. This August, like every other August for the past six or seven years, I faced the end of the summer with far fewer memories than I had hoped to create, and that can only mean one thing: a last-ditch effort to make Summer 2006 a memorable one. I was going to need to compensate for an entire summer with one weekend, and that called for the greatest camping trip of all time.

The crew: Myself, Jenny, Kyle, Mikey P, John, Randy, Abby and Courtney (otherwise known as C-Bone).

The destination: Mirror lake in Wisconsin Dells, WI, followed by Noah's Ark.

The goal: Sad choices all around.

The log: A 59-cent black notebook from Wal-Mart, which would become the most valuable piece of camping equipment. It started as a documentation of the first person to vomit, but by the end of the weekend, a collective effort by all parties--both in creating log-worthy moments, and logging them in unique, artistic, clever and drunken writing styles--brought us a literary masterpiece that belongs on the shelves right next to a three-day-old, half-eaten sandwich. The transcription is as follows...(My advanced apologies for all inside jokes and other unsensable entries).



August 11th, 2006 (Friday)

3:00 p.m. - First car arrives.

7:10 p.m. - Randy pukes after sake (designates puking tree).

9:30 p.m. - Park Ranger tells us to turn down our music. She was very nice, but I don't think it's our last run-in with the rangers.
-She catches Courtney & Jenny on way back from bathroom
*wishes Courtney Happy Birthday.

9:57 p.m. - John hangs out w/ puking tree, thinks about puking.

9:58 p.m. - Mike glances at the sky, waiting for the meteor shower he is more excited about after 5 Old Styles than he was sober.

10:05 p.m. - John lays down, then gets second wind w/ "Hit the Road Jack."

11:00 p.m. - Randy and Abby return from ravenous sexy party...conspicuously wearing MORE clothes than they originally retired with.

11:05 p.m. - Kyle, Nathan and John form ridiculously cute boy band with stellar rendition of "Crazy" in various octives of falsetto. And feathery butts. Pelly exists just for looks.

11:24 p.m. - (Someone) actually says, "I don't know about you, but I am going to molest small children."

11:50 p.m. - Nathan brags about his penis. Everyone else is envious.

11:55 p.m. - Everyone teases Abby about having sex through 5 layers of clothing on John and Courtney's sleeping bags. Yea for the cripple pillow!!!!

August 12th, 2006 (Saturday)

1:00 a.m. - Mysterious noises heard. Either wild animals or raping, pillaging, murdering fiends...inclined to believe the latter.

7:25 a.m. - Randy and Nate stick hot dog/penis in Kyle's ear. Kyle is not amused. ("That's the coldest hot dog I've ever had in my ear.")

7:30 a.m. - The phrase, "Next time it's real penises" is born.

7:40 a.m. - Bottle of Cherry Schnapps is finished after being passed around the circle.

7:45 a.m. - Discovered that the mysterious gummy substance on the fire pit is the bottom of Nate's sandle, which he burned off last night.

9:04 a.m. - Kyle wakes his sorry ass up.

10:16 a.m. - Wal-Mart run results in sighting of drug-sniffing dogs searching a car in the camp parking lot.

12:15 p.m. - First off, everyone is drunk. Also, Nate threw a beer can over his shoulder and it landed upright. AWESOME!

12: 45 p.m. - Nate pukes in the woods.

12:51 p.m. - Nate punts beer, shoe stuck in tree.

1:00 p.m. - Mike climbs tree - reaches pinnacle of the tree and everyone's dreams.

1:04 p.m. - Everyone gets naked, but proceeds to put on swimming trunks, UNFORTUNATELY.

1:08 p.m. - "That's a lot of money for that small of a grasshopper!" Associated chewing accompanies oldies classic, "For the Longest Time" to create live digestion of $7.59 grasshopper. It hasn't been there for the longest time.

1:11 p.m. - Grasshopper wants to get closer to Jenny, therefore Nate does it a favor and molests her.

1:13 p.m. - John "Tyra" Ullman parades fashion catwalk with C-Bone's ill-fitting brazierre.

1:14 p.m. - The grasshopper has not returned from Nate's stomach.

1:20 p.m. - Memorium to the Great Late Johnny Cash. Documentary about the last year of his life is initiated without a camera or screenplay.

1:21 p.m. - We define our generation AGAIN: Nirvana, Jurassic Park and The Usual Suspects.

1:24 p.m. - Clyde Reynolds makes his first experience and harasses the hos.

1:27 p.m. - Nate's all, "We're changing into swimming suits?" after EVERYONE has changed already. Kyle wears pink spandex cause it's SEXY!

1:31 p.m. Nate tackles Jen in a thorny bush - no football or mal intent included. "What was I even trying to get in there for?" - Nathan.

1:36 p.m. - We've been leaving for canoeing for 3 hours!

1:40 p.m. - Kyle drops the pressure. Jenny doesn't.

1:42 p.m. - TEAMS are ESTABLISHED.
Charters are drafted, crews are recruited, and anchors are blacksmithed.

+TEAM FLACID - Jenny, Kyle
+TEAM FLAMBOYANT - C-Bone, Big Gay John
+TEAM F-ARYAN - Hitler and Udet (Nathan and Randy)
+TEAM FORMIDABLE - Pelly and Abby

1:51 p.m. - Hot chip threatens to cut off our heads and bury us under the ground, but we are resiliant.

2:05 p.m. - Finally leave for lake.

2:20 p.m. - Pelly immediately begins puking upon arrival @ lake. Volume is impressive, timing is essential.

2:25 p.m. - Stoner wearing tye-dye thinks 2 of us are 2x as impressive as we are. ("I thought there were 10 of you." - Stoner.) Courtney thinks there are only 7, and reutrns a paddle.

2:37 p.m. - Maggie says, "You're the coolest group." Jenny concedes..."We've been drinking since 9." Maggie is turned on by Kyle's spandex. Says she has a similar pair herself.

3:00 p.m. - We land @ dry land. Jenny drops the chips. ("That bitch!" says Randy.)

3:05 p.m. - Lunch, then dinner is the plan for the evening. Sigur Ros karaoke @ the amphitheatre during.

3:10 p.m. - Kyle climbed big cliff in pink spandex. John dropped log and BEER on ground. Bad John!

3:15 p.m. - We all reaffirm our desire to see C-Bones lack of a bone. (Why not?)
We LAUNCH, leave little frog behind - though it too might have commanded $7.59 for consumption, digestion and expulsion. Nathan lets two little frogs live in his shirt. Disco Fry 1 and Discovery 174 collision complicates launch.

3:25 p.m. - Aryans kick the fuck out of everyone else in the canoe races.

3:30 p.m. (ish) - Jenny and Kyle break the fuck out of the slide.

4:20 p.m. - Jenny: "No there's no log in the tent!" followed by "Fuck you!"

Round about 4 or 5ish fatigue sets in and after hamburgers, everyone sort of drifts away to the tents and take naps.

Sometime round about 6:30ish Randy and Jenny leave for Wal-Mart. Mission: Cigaretts, sour candy spray (15 calories) and possibly other things.
(Actually, they went to the casino, because they have a problem.)

9:30 p.m. (and every 10 minutes) - Pelly throws up. Again.

10:00 p.m. - Karaoke begins, and it can go nowhere but up from here.

10:30 p.m. - We invite campsite #34 (?) to our Karaoke party. Invitation still pending.
-Also, Nate's a god damn idiot, but everyone's still envious of his penis.

10:45 p.m. - Walking stick finds its way onto Nate's beer, and also into our hearts.

10:50 p.m. - Walking stick climbs onto John's leg. ("I love the shit out that bug!")

10:56 p.m. - John breaks chair, promptly falls on his ass and creats Kodak moment.

10:58 p.m. - Mike is doing guess what again.

August 13th, 2006 (Sunday)

12:25 a.m. - Camp rangers (fake, wannabe cops, two of them) come by our campsite twice in 30 seconds and threatened to evict us from the site for talking.

Whatever-o-clock - Park rangers come by AGAIN because Nate and John's "inside voices" are not good enough for their outside.

7:40 a.m. - We recall a conversation from last night that led to Courtney having two penises (penii?) for her crazy two-way threesomes.

8:00 a.m. - Nathanial and Randall wipe peanut butter on sleepy Kyle's face.

8:20 a.m. - Jenny reads log.

8:21 a.m. - Mike keeps his coleslaw down!

8:25 a.m. - Nate almost burns off C-Bone's legs.

8:30 a.m. - "Go look in the cooter for the sausage." (Ah, sexual innuendos).

8:35 a.m. - Class B fire starts...we have no adequate extinguisher.

8:36 a.m. - Waking Kyle up w/ bacon fails...he burrows deeper in. The "Wakin' Bacon" proves unsuccessful.

8:45 a.m. - John spills orange juice on the log in quest to confirm time of rangers' appearance last time. Oops! :)

9:10 a.m. - First playing of "Mountain Trip to Japan."

9:15 a.m. - Randy takes ulcer medication with 4 oz. of vodka and orange juice.

9:20-9:40 a.m. - Egg toss @ the Devil worship site. Team Flamboyant won 2 + Team Faryan won 2. Team Formidable did manage to break the egg but not the yolk.

9:50 a.m. - Karaoke starts again. C-Bone takes us off w/ "Mountain Trip to Japan."

9:52 a.m. - Mikey P: "Just an ounce or 2 of vodka please."

9:54 a.m. - Canoeing trip summed up w/ words, "Grinding Gears + Vomit."

9:55 a.m. - Randy goes to pee on road and says, "Don't worry, I'm looking both ways." Abby informs him, "Don't worry, it's a one-way street."

11:12 a.m. - Kyle wakes his sorry ass up and takes a long pull from the after-sex drink (O.J., vodka, whiskey).

11:31 a.m. - Randy shotguns beer and begins drooling. Pre-frontal cortical damage assumed, but upon resuming higher executive functions it is ruled out.

11:44 a.m. - Kyle wishes to vacation in the 5-day cooter. For 5 days. As do we all!

11:46 a.m. - Nathan's huge machete is either compensating for something or indicatave of his natural ability to handle large tools. We're not sure...yet.

11:58 a.m. - Camp is disassembled with simultaneous grace and sluggishness. Goodbyes are given, spray painting effigies are proposed and denied, whiskey is finished...

12:08 p.m. (next to a small burn mark on the paper) - This hole was accidentally almost burned by an unnamed, uncooperative cigarette ash. Thank the essential protectorate force for the mere moderate forest fire risk. Whew!

12:14 p.m. - C-Bone, Nate, Randy and Jen shotgun beers. Randy argues about the size of people's holes, insists his is bigger.

12:32 p.m. - Things are lit on fire - at random to the common passerby - but strategic to those informed. Ariticles of incendiary sacrifice include a cake, tent parts, disabled chairs, and anything flammable.

12:37 p.m. - Jenny says "oye" in tone slightly relieved but more exasperated.

12:39 p.m. - Randy finds sparklers in car. Fun ensues.

12:48 p.m. - Nate takes his final piss in the woods - excreting alcoholic byproducts and all expectations of what camping was our could have been. The process is nostalgic, yet comforting - especially to Nate's bladder. His urethra exists for a moment as a portal of all of us - directing the remnants of the weekend into their eternal resting place among the leaves and dirt of campsite #38.

12:50 p.m. - Balance garbage on roof/trunk/out window and carefully drive to the beautiful sounds of Muse.

1:00 p.m. - Arrive at Noah's Ark.

After 1-ish - Finish lunch and alcohol - commence Noah's Ark.

Kyle creeps out Deanna by telling her there are body shots in the parking lot.

"Get logging cuntface!" - John.

4:30 p.m. - Return to parking lot for second lunch and tequilla, possible body shots.
- Courtney puts mayonaisse on her breasts.
- Nathan and Kyle have acquired new towels.

7:10 p.m. - Abby wins cock money for gash on her toe. Barely bleeding more than Nate's barely bleeding toe.

7:14 p.m. - Noah's Ark lands and everyone deboards.

7:16 p.m. - Everyone stands up slowly with palms rested on outstretching thighs and sighs, "Well, I suppose..."


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